I stared at my lifeless phone. A techy person is what you would call me for all the new game consoles, computers and cell phones that I own. A call or even a text would be fine to ease my uncalled for feelings. He would rarely call me but every weekend I wish I would hear his voice. I knew what he wanted. I knew that as selfish as he is, there was only one thing that he wanted. But a girl could dream, right? A long loving relationship, thoughts of being away from me would be hard for him and what ever cheesy things that I could think of. My dog is staring at me again, probably wondering how stupid I could be to depend on such a person. The television was on but could hardly grab my attention away from my phone. Why do I let myself suffer like this? Then I thought about it long and hard. His slick back hair, deep brown eyes and his voice that has gotten me so tantalized and back to staring at my phone again. The truth hurts that he means so much more to me than I am to him. It hurts but I refuse to let it drain out my last strand of hope. It would be a lie for me to say that I do not expect anything in return. But the truth is that I am not expecting for everything to change this minute, I am hoping in the future when things progress.

I hardly take my feelings a higher priority than people around me. Am I selfless? Hardly, it is more like being naïve and scared. The weather seems to get worst as the night gets closer. My fingers are stuck together from clenching them so tightly. A beep, I heard a beep. Nervously, I glanced at the phone that lighted up so brightly. My eyes would not even focus as I try to decode the text that is written in plain English. “I am coming over”, was written in times new roman size 12 font. Suddenly I feel sick in my tummy. Get over yourself. This is what you have been anticipating. Looking around desperately, hoping that the house is clean and to his liking. I grabbed the linen and threw it on the dirty hamper. The bed has to be perfect. I feel like something may change tonight. As I hurried and prepared the bed, there was a light knock on the door. Surely I will have the strength to ask him about us or will this break the mood. I ran to open the door and there he was… drunk again. My face can only show one emotion, irritation. He laughs and asks me if I want him to leave. Leave, after I have waited so long for this. I try to shake off my anger and yet I moved to being concerned. He assured me that he was fine and just had a couple of beers. The alcoholic smell coming from his body tells me differently.

As his lips touched mine, I felt my heart beat faster. All the negative thoughts were washed away with satisfaction of just being with him. Yet at the back of my mind I knew that it would drive me crazy to hide such feelings of love to the one person that I adore. If only it was easy, if only you knew how I am hurting when he is not with me. I put my strength in pleasing him hoping that at least in another way he would know how I feel. Almost out of breath I laid beside him watching him closely as he falls in deep sleep. I whispered loving words knowing he would never hear them out loud. I am miserable with him but I am suffering without him.