The end of another year.

When I was younger I was always excited for Christmas to come not only because of the gifts but because it is the end of the year. Now that I am of age I despise the end of the year cause it reminds me of getting older and getting older. Such negativity! Well here I am trying to reflect on the whole year of what have I done that I could actually scratch off my bucket list.... CRAP! I have not done anything extra ordinary! CRAP! I don't have a bucket list! Ha ha ha ha ha! One thing that I have truly enjoyed this year was my one week vacay from LA to Canada to NY and back. The trip was not all that luxurious but just to see another state and another country is one thing. My journey of loosing weight is still a journey that seems never ending. My love life is still just a vivid dream. So that's that. Not a whole lot of things to mention. Is my life boring? Hmmm don't know about that. I enjoy the simple things in life such as conversations with my nieces, ridiculous reactions of people for silly and stupid things I do and lastly just being able to say that I have lived through the days in one piece. What more can you ask for? Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year!

Is it too late for Love?

There are movies that you encounter where you will never forget. I woke up today and decided - "Hmmm I would love to rewatch It's Complicated!". So I did. Being single for such a long time I have successfully avoided those awkward moments of oh crap you need a partner for this. But just because I have avoided them does not mean that I do not think about it every now and then. This movie has reminded me that love does not have an expiration date. It does not choose to happen only in your early years when you use to be able to wear a size 4. That is the beauty of this movie it shows you that love can happen at any moment and to anybody. I have always been guilty of having negative energy towards the concept of being with somebody but with reasons. My negative feelings in regards to love has been more of a habit that I have since my heart was broken. To avoid the thought of missing to have somebody I have turned into despising people with relationships. I hated people showing affection in public. Before I realize it my hatred and disgust about relationship is gone but yet I still react the same way. Crazy, huh! I find myself making excuses why I chose to be single such as there are too many risks, I hate to put the effort and it is just gonna be a burden. All this is true but yet it is also what makes a relationship stronger. The movie just reminded me that I have not been enjoying myself or let myself loose cause I was just too scared to even try. The thrill of not knowing what will happen if it does not work out scares the crap out of me. But what scares me more is depending so much on that person and later I loose myself. I am getting old but yet in means nothing cause I am still scared to love.

I stared at my lifeless phone. A techy person is what you would call me for all the new game consoles, computers and cell phones that I own. A call or even a text would be fine to ease my uncalled for feelings. He would rarely call me but every weekend I wish I would hear his voice. I knew what he wanted. I knew that as selfish as he is, there was only one thing that he wanted. But a girl could dream, right? A long loving relationship, thoughts of being away from me would be hard for him and what ever cheesy things that I could think of. My dog is staring at me again, probably wondering how stupid I could be to depend on such a person. The television was on but could hardly grab my attention away from my phone. Why do I let myself suffer like this? Then I thought about it long and hard. His slick back hair, deep brown eyes and his voice that has gotten me so tantalized and back to staring at my phone again. The truth hurts that he means so much more to me than I am to him. It hurts but I refuse to let it drain out my last strand of hope. It would be a lie for me to say that I do not expect anything in return. But the truth is that I am not expecting for everything to change this minute, I am hoping in the future when things progress.

I hardly take my feelings a higher priority than people around me. Am I selfless? Hardly, it is more like being naïve and scared. The weather seems to get worst as the night gets closer. My fingers are stuck together from clenching them so tightly. A beep, I heard a beep. Nervously, I glanced at the phone that lighted up so brightly. My eyes would not even focus as I try to decode the text that is written in plain English. “I am coming over”, was written in times new roman size 12 font. Suddenly I feel sick in my tummy. Get over yourself. This is what you have been anticipating. Looking around desperately, hoping that the house is clean and to his liking. I grabbed the linen and threw it on the dirty hamper. The bed has to be perfect. I feel like something may change tonight. As I hurried and prepared the bed, there was a light knock on the door. Surely I will have the strength to ask him about us or will this break the mood. I ran to open the door and there he was… drunk again. My face can only show one emotion, irritation. He laughs and asks me if I want him to leave. Leave, after I have waited so long for this. I try to shake off my anger and yet I moved to being concerned. He assured me that he was fine and just had a couple of beers. The alcoholic smell coming from his body tells me differently.

As his lips touched mine, I felt my heart beat faster. All the negative thoughts were washed away with satisfaction of just being with him. Yet at the back of my mind I knew that it would drive me crazy to hide such feelings of love to the one person that I adore. If only it was easy, if only you knew how I am hurting when he is not with me. I put my strength in pleasing him hoping that at least in another way he would know how I feel. Almost out of breath I laid beside him watching him closely as he falls in deep sleep. I whispered loving words knowing he would never hear them out loud. I am miserable with him but I am suffering without him.