10 whole years. Can you believe that? I have been here for 10 grueling years. Where, you say? Here in the land of oppurtunities and where dreams become reality. Yeah sure, you just have to give up almost everything to just keep up with expenses. They should also include with that saying, the land of credit cards. Bad credit, good credit and no credit we will still get you. Ha ha ha. I can not say that it has been all that bad but yet it has not been a trip to fairyland either. I guess I am in a position where I could say that hard work do pay off. It is just sad that for being here in that span of time I have only been able to go on vacation back to Philippines once in 1998. Hopefully I would go back again soon when things gets settled. Life has been a rollercoaster lately with the new addtion and subtraction in the family part ( ha ha ha ) and my new yet old condo. My dogs seems to adjust quicker than I could. Through out the years I have learned life's little secret. Life does not always go like planned. I am 28 years old now, I have always dreamt that at this time I have a house and a family with 2 kids, dont forget dogs. So far I have a condo and dogs. I guess its just not the right time. Depression is a household word for me now a days. That is one reason why I have not gotten used to being alone. All I could think of is the past which will not help my current situation. The present I could handle, the future I could face, the past I could not forget. There were more instances when I am down than the other way around. Regardless what has happened I still think that the moment I am happy something will occur that will pull me down. As you could see optimism is not a trait that I have.

I ponder the times I have wished for something
Though I know that I am only dreaming
Things that I hope I could attain
In reality I should not even complain

But yet happiness seems like a distant memory
Reminiscing the childhood days when I was worry free
Life is such a challenging and hard trip
Not knowing if at the end of the road there is a dip

Then again there will be you
Who will pick me up and guide me through
Fill me with hope and wanting to dream again
Anticipating what will happen then

Lets go back to movies, specifically movies such as My Best friend’s Wedding, Pretty Woman, Wedding Date, Chances Are, Something about you and other love story films that you could think of. Why does these movies seem to all have such perfect love stories, if in any case has a twist on it but still ends well? Why can we not make movies reality but I guess that is too much to ask since our feelings are not predictable and our reactions cannot be scripted. But come to think of it, who writes these scripts? If anything is feasible then why not a much less perfect love story. Where men or women would be true to themselves and at the same time not ashamed or scared about what they feel for one another. Rejection can still be part of a love story, right? Why can we not be audacious, brave and capricious about how we would like our love ones to know how much they mean to us? I know it is easy to be written on a blog entry than to actually do it in the real world. But that is exactly my point, why should it be so difficult, if that's what is needed to win the person you wish to be with for the rest of your darn life. If you are afraid to be turned down by someone you truly adore then all might as well be forgotten. Once you are in a relationship you will be hurt and hurt and hurt some more. There is no happiness without a little pain here and there. But besides that, my intention for this blog is to know will there be anyone out there who is willing to take the risk in someway or another just for love?

Storm clouds and rain drops welcomed me this morning. And again I did not wake up on my bed but on my sister's couch where I spent the night watching "The Perfect Man". The movie is cute and gives you a little hope maybe, just maybe there is a man out there that would not be that bad. But yet that is hollywood for you. Movies are made up of people's dreams and opinions on how they want reality to be. I heard from somebody that I should not be watching these wishy washy love stories cause it would give me false hope. But sometimes I really want to get away from reality and actually believe that there would be this romantic person who is ready to cover me with flowers and candy. But yet I really dont like flowers, candy I love. Still just the thought of it is sweet.

The morning fog is slowly fading giving way for the bright shining sun peeking through my window sill. I could smell the warm coffee brewing and the bacon crackling from the neighbors house.The scent of pancakes has got me floating away, slowly getting up from my bed. Ever since the time changed I am having problems waking up in the morning. I have been in my place for four months now and boxes are still everywhere. Moving is part of my don't want to do list. Organizing stuff and making all work together is so hard to do. I watch the HGTV channel almost everyday but I still could not find the mood of decorating to empower me. The view of the city through my window is not a very flattering one but I would stll like to put a chair and desk right by it. I remember when I just moved in, my dogs were yapping because they did not like the new place compared to the old place they were used to. Going outside to throw the trash or even doing anything alone is unbelievably hard for me. Come to realize, this is the first time I would venture out living by myself. A new experience I guess for a new life. The luxury of freedom to do whatever I want is so overwhelming because now I seem to not do anything at all. Maybe I need time to eventually realize that my stuff are not going to move themselves. Within the four months that I had this place I only spent probably a total of two weeks. I have been staying with friends and family to run away from the fact that I have my own place and that I need to start living alone. Circumstances has forced me in this situation where I am not very used to. Imagine not having someone to talk to or laugh out loud with when you remember something funny, sad or interesting. Nobody to listen to you when you just want to get something off your chest. No one to tease when you want to be playful. No one to console or to be consoled. I should not complain about what I have missing, compared to other people I have plenty. But I guess personal happiness will always be an issue even if you have the necessary necessities to go through life.